As I get older, I think about how I want to be remembered and how that’s reflected in the way people perceive me. I’m old enough not to be self-conscious about being perceived, but it’s still an important way that I interact with the world. Overall, I want people to associate with me the things that I think are important. Much of this comes with demonstrated commitment to a particular activity or cause or subject or character, and commitment and time have some correlation. At this point in my life, I’m glad people have a clear idea of me, and part of that is my own commitment to engaging with things I care about and being able to communicate them. It’s an eternal process: creating and communicating your identity through action and being in the world.
I’ve been thinking about the impressions I have left on people recently. Not in a narcissistic way, but more in the sense of, “How do I fit, appear, and engage in other people’s lives?” Someone called me an extrovert (I am most definitely not) because I like to find ways to connect with people. Another person was shocked when they learned I used to be antisocial. Someone else (and my mother) commended my ability to understand what people are saying even if they communicate poorly. A couple people were inspired by my commitment to volunteering and teaching and sharing my gifts with others. My partner admires my propensity to go out into the world and explore. My manager valued my constructivism and collaboration.
I think it comes at an added shock because this wasn’t exactly who teenage me would have thought I’d be at this point in my life. Not cold-hearted, competitive, and aloof, but warm, connecting, and grounded. And I like that feeling of growing into myself. I like the feeling of growing into myself and other people seeing it. I don’t need to be perceived to be the person I am, but it’s nice when there is no dissonance between who I want to be, who I am, and who people think I am.
This might have been ramble-y and hand-wavey, but I had thoughts, and they needed to be written, so here they are.